As we pulled out of the school parking lot yesterday, I asked my 12-year-old how her day was. “Fine”, was apparently all she could muster. I continued to prod with questions about her new classes and teachers, if she had any old friends in her classes, etc. until eventually she made some sassy remark to me basically saying she didn’t want to talk about it. I can’t remember her exact words because I’m pretty sure I was seeing red by that point in shock that this 12-year-old, whom I do everything for, was seriously talking to me in that tone of voice! After a few minutes of silence though, while I tamed the dragon inside of me that wanted to spew fire out, I asked her “what’s wrong”. She said she was just stressed out.
I thought for a second, how in the world can this girl be stressed out…. she doesn’t have a job, she doesn’t have bills, she doesn’t cook and only seems to clean on special occasions, everything she needs is provided for her as well as a lot of her wants, so what on earth could be so stressful in her world?! So, I asked, “what is making you stressed.” Well, she went on for a good 15 minutes about all the worries of her life, and quite honestly, she was making a lot of sense.
I began to remember WAY back when I was in middle school too and had a lot of the same stresses (you know when we walked 10 miles to school, in the snow, barefoot, uphill both ways, lol). In all seriousness though, I began to remember how hard it was to handle it all between school, homework, friends, sports, figuring out who I was and where I fit, relationships, and my parents were clueless of course (at least that is what I thought at the time). It was such a strange transitional time in life when I was leaving behind some of the childish things and trying to be more mature even though I wasn’t quite there yet. I remember this is the time when a lot of my friends began smoking cigarettes or experimenting with marijuana and alcohol. Then it hit me. Of course they were! We were all stressed, and we had no clue how to deal with all that stress and pressure. Some kids did what they saw their parents do when they were stressed, and some just heard from others about how it helped them relax so they wanted to try it out.
So here we are in the car, and my daughter has poured out to me that she is basically in that same spot my friends and I were back in the day. How could I prevent her from resorting to escaping the stress with alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs like some of my friends did in middle school? Well, thankfully as an adult I learned more about stress management than I was taught as a kid. My daughter and I put together a plan to tackle this stress level and MANAGE it, because let’s be real, you can’t avoid stress. It’s a part of life. We decided on a written schedule to help manage time and make sure there was some time set aside for necessities like homework, and soccer practice, but also the necessity for her to unwind and do something she wanted to do for fun, or relaxation. We also set aside some time to just be together on a regular basis, so we can make sure to check in with each other and make sure everything is still going ok. It’s funny how busy life can get, that we forget to do these simple things that mean so much. Lastly, we decided to work on mindfulness every night before bed…. a time where we turn everything off and just focus on our breathing, it’s a technique proven to reduce stress and increase levels of concentration.
So that is our plan. It may not work for everyone, we are all different. So, it’s important to develop your own plan with your kids, because they do feel a lot of stress. It is vital to teach them coping techniques now, so they can manage it in a healthy way throughout their lives.
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